Whoever said life was fair?

That's the way the pendulum swings, right? Back and forth? Well, it's been a R-O-U-G-H week, brought on by the fact that I weighed myself two Saturdays ago and it's just been a nightmare of restricting and dreaming about binges ever since then. Finally, I gave in to my eating disorder. I drove to the grocery store, bought binge food, and didn't even wait until I returned home to start the binge.

But you know what felt different about it this time? I didn't feel the need to purge. I mean -- sure I wanted to purge the entire cake I'd eaten in less than half an hour -- but there was no urgency. I didn't feel completely full or bloated. It didn't even FEEL like a binge. It just felt wrong. I did not feel out of control. I just felt disappointed in myself. And even with that disappointment I decided, "I'm not purging. I don't need to purge. And I'm still going to have dinner."

And that felt strange. The declaration that I would do the next best thing which meant eating whilst not even being hungry (which is always the case) but eating on a full stomach feels so contrary to everything I've known to be true. So I kept dinner light, but I still pressed on and this morning when I woke up I hadn't planned on having breakfast but then my therapist from residential called and there was something she said to convince me to have breakfast. Something about how it'd make me less jittery during my interview this afternoon.

All the while I was thinking, "This isn't fair! My life isn't fair. I shouldn't have PCOS. I shouldn't be fat. I shouldn't have an eating disorder." Then, I remembered something the dbt therapist said to me about two weeks ago:

"Where'd you ever get the idea that life is fair? People think it should be fair and then they're in for a rude awakening when they realize it's not. Who ever said it was supposed to be fair. It's not fair that you have this new diagnosis. It's not fair that the one other bulimic in the group is underweight and you're overweight. The two of you have the exact same symptom use and it shows up in different ways on your bodies. No, Erin, that's not fair. That's why you can't think about it in those terms of fair and unfair. The reality is that you have a diagnosis that makes it extremely difficult for you to lose weight and you engage in behaviors that cause your weight to fluctuate. Those are the facts -- and none of it is fair. But someone can look at your life and say it's not fair that she graduated from such and such college and had a shot at law school. Someone can always look at someone and compare their lives and see the injustice of a situation, but it doesn't do anyone any good to compare. The only thing you can do is accept that life isn't fair and keep in mind that no one ever promised you that it would be."

I think remembering her speech today has motivated me to go to group tomorrow. I skipped the last week's meeting because I was hanging out with friends but I need that group. I also need daily and weekly reminders that this isn't fair. And now what?

And now what? Well, now I get ready for my interview, wow them with my charming personality and competency, eat lunch, and continue on with my day, keeping in mind that there will be bad days and good days but that the power of turning a bad day into a good day always rests with the decisions I make.