It feels like I can't escape the eating disorder even in my dreams. Or rather, shall I say it was a nightmare. I gorged myself on pizza and cookies, cake, and alcohol. And for some strange reason, a roast beef sandwich that I actually fought a friend over. And I'm not even a roast beef kind of girl. The problem is that it just felt so incredibly real and that it felt so incredibly good to indulge myself. I'm not even sure what the word is past indulgence. But that's what it was.
Then suddenly, I was hoarding the food, bagels and donuts and it was such a ridiculous amount of food but I wanted it all. I wanted it all. Family members were around. I specifically remembers my maternal aunts and uncles all being there and seeing the binge and just being shocked that I actually do have a problem and that it was a bigger deal than they had thought.
But I suppose this is the worst of my problems. I'm not binging. I am eating regularly. I haven't skipped a meal since Memorial Day and I haven't binged and purged since last Thursday. I'm eating regularly and it's a struggle. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm doing it and this life is much better than the one with an eating disorder, but it's exhausting. It's frustrating to force myself to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner when I still don't have hunger cues. It scares the shit out of me because I'm afraid that since I'm eating just because that it'll turn into a binge because my satiety cues aren't working either. It just feels like any moment that I eat something when I don't feel physical hunger could end up in a binge because I don't know when to stop until I'm absolutely stuffed. But on the other hand, I'd probably be really overwhelmed with anxiety if I started to get hunger cues.
I just hate that my eating disorder is now attacking me in my dreams -- and there's no way to combat that. Just time, I suppose.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
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2 comments:
hey brave woman,
that does sound really inundating.
can I ask a question? if you still aren't feeling satiety cues, how do you know when to stop eating? do you have a meal plan of some sort, some kind of amount? because I still have a hard time with that, especially if I'm eating based on cues other than really explicit hunger.
love you,
ae
Hey ae,
You can always ask a question (apparently it just takes me a few days to respond even though I've nothing to do!)
I have a meal plan that I follow pretty strictly. I don't necessarily food journal because that's triggering for me on some levels -- looking at the amount of food I've consumed or what I need to consume can be a challenge. But I know how many starches, dairies, proteins, fats, fruits, and others I need throughout the day. And seeing as how that's how we did things at the CH, then it's easy for me to do a fruit smoothie with yogurt and know that i've got my dairy and 1.5 fruits for the day.
And to be honest, I'm sort of in my restrict mode so I'm not having issues with STOPPING, rather I'm struggling with STARTING.
It also helps to go to the kitchen, keeping in mind what i need for that particular meal, gauge where I am ed wise for that meal, and fix exactly what I need to have and sit down at the dining room table and eat it there. Once I get up to get anything else I immediately recognize I'm doing this for something other than physical hunger and I get the hell out of the kitchen!
Crocheting helps. As does taking a nap or taking a walk or just getting away.
hope that helps
i love you, too
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