Skipping Meals Already?

I try to think about why I'm doing this. Why after a year and a half of out patient treatment and two months in residential I'm so hard wired to believe that if I skip meals I can keep it up, lose weight, and be happier. I can't pinpoint it.

Yesterday I skipped two meals and I know what that does to my body. It makes me ravenous for food. It leads to binging. And that leads to purging. Frankly, eating any amount these days sends my mind spiraling downward towards those purging urges and it just upsets me so much that I think that is why I'm so resistant to regular meals. Because as someone who is overweight I still don't believe I deserve to eat food. Period. And so eating food makes me feel guilty, even if it's not a binge, but especially if I enjoy it. Sometimes it's not even a concious decision I make to skip a meal. Mostly, I'm just not hungry. Somehow my eating disorder has convinced my brain that I seriously don't need to eat and I'm absolutely fine with that until my body starts to rebel.

So it's almost 1 pm here and I did consider lunch but it's just...so hard. Do the therapists and nutritionists get that? Does anyone understand what it's like to hate your body so much that you end up mistreating it to the point of possibly no return and yet you still continue on with your eating disordered ways.

It's discouraging and frustrating and tiresome and depressing and I'm so sick of it. I wish I could just be like all the so called normal eaters out there. I wish I could accept my body the way that it is. I wish I could battle my eating disorder every meal and snack time and win. But sometimes I don't put up a fight at all. Sometimes I'm just simply glad that I skipped meals and didn't end up binging or purging and that's when I realize just how mentally ill people with eating disorders can be.

It's insidious. It's scary. And yet it's also a way to escape one's life. Still though, if there's one thing I learned from being at the Carolina House it's that I hate the eating disorder more than I love it. So if I can just manage to hold on to that knowledge, maybe I can summon up enough strength and eat lunch (and dinner) today after all.