on partial

It feels different being back here. Or maybe it's merely that I feel different. I'm still at the C@rol1na House but for only twelve hours a day thanks to my wonderful insurance company, which I really do need to thank for even allowing me to go residential for as long as I did.

Monday night was my first night of partial and I'm staying with the family that I babysit for...I'm assuming you all remember. The two darling twin girls who've discovered Youtube in the past two months much to everyone's dismay. It's cute in the beginning to see the delight on their faces, to find them so giddy with sheer happiness as they wonder how Beyonce dances like that. "She must be really strong and healthy" (That's what one of the girls said. :) I could only smile.

Has it been easy? This transition into the real world which isn't quite so real as I am pretty much homeless come June and still unemployed and desperately not wanting to go back to PB although it seems as if that may be my only source of income for a while because I just feel that anxiety building as I think of the whole job search.

I'll be officially discharging a week from today, but going back to see Dixie and everyone else on the outpatient team earlier in the upcoming week so that there's no period in which I feel as if I'm doing this on my own. Because I'm not. I know that now. And I know that as much as I've been thinking of this community that -- well, I feel supported here and by people who know and may be further along in the recovery process than some of the girls at the house.

Oh dear! There are tales and tales and tales to relay to you all...about how arduous this really has been for me. But also about how I realized along the way I do have the strength to fight...if I'm willing to try 100% of the time. I know. That's asking a lot.

Prime example (and then I'll go) last night it was leftover night so I made a full portion salad, thinking that because it was "just" salad that it would be not as filling for me (the nutritionist has put me on 1/2 dinner portions -- which is kind of complicated to explain but essentially everyone in the house, no exceptions, has the exact same thing for dinner everyday except thursday, and everyone has the exact amount of exchanges. Except me. Because you know there was that thing with my metabolism being completely fudged up.) But I'm no longer bound by this "law" so to speak since I'm no longer on meal plans but on food journals where I'm supposed to document my food consumption and feelings and stay within a range (which is still pretty UNclear to me). Regardless, I felt extremely full afterwards and wanted to purge. I felt nauseas and disgusting and I was beating myself up for having too much SALAD.

But I tried using some skills. First I went to the nurse and told her what was going on and she asked me if I needed to take something to keep the food down. My eating disorder won that round because I walked away saying no; still thinking to myself that I wanted to purge. Then I did fruit therapy, which is where we throw spoiled fruit at trees and with all our strength and might. I threw two cantaloupes, three tomatoes, and an apple and the trees were decorated quite beautifully if I do say so myself. Then I started saying aloud, "Fuck off! Fuck off! Leave me alone! Fuck off!" A friend requested I stay at the house a little while longer having seen my struggles but I turned her down. Another one gave up the internet (a precious resource in our house) so that I might have more time in the house and feel less inclined to purge after leaving. I took her up on that offer.

Upon leaving though, I just thought about it...I just thought about how badly I wanted it and it happened. It scared me senseless. Because now I know, I really know, I can do it psychologically. No need for a physical purge. And I was just so fearful that all the hard work I'd done had come to an end because NOTHING about the way I think has changed. None of the eating disorder thoughts or feelings have been abandoned. The only thing is that I DO eat regularly and I've even cut back on my very scaled back meal plan as it is.

So I remind myself...People with eating disorders cannot skip meals. And purging is no longer an option. It's not. It's in the past.

Oh...and I was diagnosed with PCOS today.

Let's just say it's been one hell of a week.