I'm stressed out to the point of tears

It seems every time my mother phones (and it's getting to be everyday these days) it's always about how much money I owe her. A student loan payment is due or a car payment or phone bill or

I just want to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!"

And she doesn't mean to I know. I mean she's not intentionally calling with such reportings because she's evil, rather she's inundated with medical bills (opps I forgot that one) and lab bills (for $2000) and wants to know when I'm going to contribute something. Anything.

And it makes me feel like I'm so incompetent. Like how I can't take care of myself or my own finances. Like I'm a failure. And it is NOT good for my anxiety. It's not even a cop out when I say to her, "Mother, you can't begin each conversation with topics of money" because it literally sends me into panic mode. My chest tightens and I start shaking and it's hard to breathe and I feel guilty about even being in therapy and continuing to rack up the medical bills.

And there's no better way to get rid of those feelings than to binge and she just doesn't understand that. Like I'm physically shaking right now because I'm so rattled and I can't binge because I'm sitting for the twins and there's no food in the house anyway and I'm just trying not to do that. So for the love of God, Mother, if by some divine chance you ever read my blog, please, please stop. I can't deal with making it through three meals a day, with keeping myself alive, when I'm constantly reminded that what I'm doing just doesn't cut it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I suck at life.