First fall forward, dust oneself off, get back up again.

So I've decided for myself that recovery is linear. I know, I know. It was a real comfort to know that it's absolutely human to fall and fall back. But at this point, recovery keeps moving forward. If I fall, I fall down into a valley. I fall forward, flat onto my face (and my ego). But I'm not taking steps back. I'm not playing that two steps forward, one step backward game with my recovery anymore.

My first official face slam into the pavement occurred around 7 pm. I binged. And I purged. At the house with my 2 year old and 7 year old nephew around although thankfully they were napping during most of the incident. Thank God. Because there's really no explanation for why Titi has vomit in her hair.

Gross. I know.

And how did I end up binging and purging you ask after having such a fantastic run after leaving the Carolina House? Oh...because I decided that I was too fat today to eat meals so I skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Uh huh. And I reasoned with myself that should the urge to binge occur, that I've had enough therapy over the past year and a half to coach myself through the binge and act opposite to the emotion.

There's where my ego was bruised. Silly me. I have an eating disorder. Sometimes I forget what that entails. Like, yeah, I'm going to wake up and feel fat, but I still can't skip a meal. And yeah, on that same day, I might actually feel physically sick to my stomach because of my prescription cocktail, but still, there are no sick days.

Have I learned my lesson? Hmm...I know it was a reality check of how far I've come and how far I still have to go on this journey. I do not like the person I am when I'm disordered. Not when I binge. Not when I purge. And interestingly enough, not when I restrict. I like being myself when I'm healthy, when I'm taking care of myself, when I'm not in pretend control, but really in control of my life.

I contemplated starting over in the morning but after talking to a friend who also fell forward this evening, we both decided we'd correct the damage that had been done. So I sat down to a lovely dinner of macaroni and cheese and decided that there's truly no better time to start over than the present moment.