trying to get used to this life again

It's been pretty difficult adjusting back to my normal everyday life. Honestly, I'm doing quite well coping with the fact that I was surrounded by best friends and complete acceptance and pure love for four days. I've been talking on the phone with my friends a little bit more than regularly and we made plans to meet up again in August. I did however learn that BEST removed me from her friends on F@cebook. That was pretty shocking. We had always talked about how that's the true test of friendship. Even during a really big fight we may have removed one another from MySp@ce but never the book. So glad that I was with friends because I wasn't able to dwell on it or even be upset.

So what's so hard? FOOD. Of course. I ate very well last weekend. Three meals a day. Dessert. Snacks. When they ate, I ate. Sometimes I had cake for breakfast. Other times beer. A couple of times I had fruit. It felt really good to already have my food rules in place for those times we went out to a restaurant (TWICE a day!!!) because it limited my options to vegetarian meals only. Which was perfect!!! Sometimes I only had like two choices and it meant that I couldn't agonize about what to eat (and also make some very healthy choices!) So that felt really good.

Now that I'm back though I've been craving sugar. I think it's because the graduation cake was just so freaking good!!! I mean the four of us devoured that cake like none other. I also indulged in PIZZA (a complete NO NO) and I really want to restrict. But my body apparently LOVED the food intake this weekend and is letting me know all the time that it wants food. Spread out across the day. More than fruits and veggies. It wants soup and pasta and cake! and...I guess it just wants variety. But in moderation.

And now for the funny/sad/really sad story. My mother has always been really sensitive about her weight. She's a size two right now and while not to put all her business out there she's more than half a century years old. She's given birth to two daughters and with the first one who was nearly full term she didn't even break 100 pounds. So she walks in the house after walking the dogs and my sister says, "You look fat." Something you don't say to ANYone, right? But most certainly not our mother who always asks if something makes her look fat (even though most people know that a size two could NeVeR ever be fat). I'm not sure why my sister did it. But them my mom got really sad and was like well you could stand to lose twenty pounds yourself! And then they started playing the game (how much weight they needed to lose and where...) and clearly I'm sitting in the room. And it was like the big white elephant. Or big brown elephant. Anyways...clearly my sister wanted to go there and you could tell my mom was really uncomfortable and praying to God that my sister did not turn to tell me how much weight I could stand to lose. Thankfully she didn't. But they didn't need too. It finally got up 40 lbs with my sister (which would make her look emaciated as hell). So if she needs to lose that much...what would put me under a 100 lbs.

That was never even my goal. That was never even something I wanted. And I still don't. But dear God is my mother really like this? Someone who knows her daughter suffers from an eating disorder but still so completely selfish that she asks all the time if she's fat. If I think she should eat 1 piece of chocolate (size of a kiss that is) and then plays the how much do I need to lose in order to get to double digits game. I don't even know what the word for what she and my sister are...but I must say I'm very proud of myself for not letting that effect of binging and purging.