a rather dull Thursday with Shish

I was pretty blank today with Shish. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because food wise I've been having an okay time. I guess I should have mentioned that I feel this pull towards restriction. But even that didn't seem worth putting out there when the only thing she would say is act counter to the eating disorder. Which is what I did. I came home and made a big salad. And then ate some ravioli and felt fine. I'm still fine more than 90 minutes later. I really hate those sessions where it's not me just being plain rude and difficult but where I honestly don't know what to say. And I think today she wanted me to have an agenda but I just sort of get into these periods where I don't care what we talk about as long as it doesn't have me screaming and yelling from the room. It's good to have low key sessions every once in a while I know (but it's also a waste of both of our times and my money).

I'm also unsure of what I can actually talk about with her. And I know at this point in therapy (and with her leaving in less than six weeks) it's ridiculous to say that but this is an eating disorder clinic. Most stuff is usually about food and family issues and emotion regulation. I don't have a burning desire to talk about Jack...but I did throw it out there for her to catch. Or rather I threw myself out there hoping she would catch me. And it's not a problem problem, but there are a lot of things that I've written to her over the course of the past seven months that we've never talked about. And they're all really hard things to talk about and so in a sense I'm more than thrilled about it. But I can just see how much I have progressed by opening up and talking about stuff that's going on in my life currently that I do think it would be important to go back and drudge through the past (just a bit). I already know that's not her style and that she do it but I don't feel comfortable bringing it up. And I think she is pretty much allowing me to control the ball right now because I can't imagine she would want to go there with me. I mean no one would want to do that. I completely shut down. I'm completely a bitch when we discuss things that are off limits. I'm mute. I'm not someone even my dearest friends would want to be around.

I have the usual homework so I think that for next week I'll just write out an agenda and make sure I at least bring something to the table that I want to cover with her before we make this transition to the new T. But I don't know, sometimes I just feel like I can't say things to her even with the list. Like today, I mentioned applying for a job to teach at the Friend's school but that I was afraid of not getting an interview or the job. The prospect of being rejected is enough to paralyze me and I'm also petrified of making yet another (law school) mistake. And the only thing Shish could say is, "Well, why wouldn't they hire you?" It's comforting to hear in that moment and I know she's being 100% sincere. But I don't think she knows what it's like to doubt yourself so much that you really need someone to TELL you what to do. I mean, this is how I got into this situation with law school, but it's because I couldn't make the decision on my own. I can't decide for myself what's okay to eat and so I'm really following this meal plan here (or at least trying to and telling myself that as long as I do not deviate I am not allowed to binge). I feel like I've lost all power and control over my life. It's so simple to only get up out of bed to go to group or therapy when you feel like...nothing.

And the strange part about all of this is...I'm actually feeling really good. I'm not wallowing in despair or crying or angry or upset. This is just something I've come to accept. I just have a funny feeling that this is not what self-acceptance is supposed to be about.