Building the Yellow Brick Road: panicked

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

panicked

i had a week of no binges. more than a week of no purges. and last night i binged and damnit i hate when it's like this. i don't know why it happened. but i just feel so shaky. i just feel so completely out of sync (not like i was ever in sync) but everything feels like it's happening at FAST pace and im not moving at all and it's so scary.

i need a job. the anxiety of looking at positions that either require a MASTER'S degree or high school diploma...drives me fucking crazy. i swear, i really love this area, but it's either or. there's never an in between. we have a really high population here of educated people. So my whole experience of finding something im interested in finds me WAY too qualified or THERES NO FUCKING WAY. its exhausting. its frustrating. its scary as fuck. its intimidating. its daunting. and when you're literally BROKE...it makes you consider doing shit u never thought youd end up doing.

so i binged. go figure. and i dont feel right. like im really trying NOT to binge RIGHT now so i tried sticking my face in ice cold water...literally a bowl full of ice water TEN times for TEN seconds and while it felt good doing it after say the fourth time. right now my blood is just

i can't calm down. i think i need a purge. and here's when it's crazy. right here, right now. where im actually really really really trying NOT to binge. im gonna take a shower and then walk the dogs and then get out of the house. but all of that is just avoiding it...i want this feeling to pass. DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT im so scared because i know it could be over if i just give in...do an all out binge/purge fest. but im also kind of interested to see..what will happen? what if it passes and I don't have to depend on the food? how LONG will it last? how long will i feel like crawling out of my skin. like RUNNING AWAY FROM LIFE. when will the images of sticking a barrel in my mouth stop popping up in my head. why am i sooo fucking terrified of living my life?

How come one day life can be really okay? How is it that I can have a good week and then wake up literally afraid to get up? How does the prompting event for a binge really get to a point where it's just WAKING UP. I'm going to try to do some stuff right now to ride this urge out.

2 comments:

firefly said...: Darling I feel your pain about the job situation. I have an med in education, left the area for two years, and came back with experience and still can't get a teaching job. I don't want to move again because I have an amazing pcp but must make money. Just wanted to let you know I so hear you on this one!; May 21, 2008 9:38 AM
zubeldia said...: Oh honey, I am so sorry. It's amazing, AMAZING, that you had the week behavior free, but having a slip after doing so well is familiar to me. I'm just so sorry, though.

How are you today, chicky? I don't know what to say about the job. It's a horrible time for job searching, I know... God, I wish that you weren't having to go through so much ((((Erin))).; May 21, 2008 6:50 PM

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for when I forget

After taking a break from recovery, I realize that it is not a destination. I do not simply arrive. Well, I mean...I do. But I have to stay there. I have to work to stay there. I cannot reserve restricting or binging or purging for a really bad week (i.e. when my dog is kidnapped). That's how I'll know I'm committed to having a life that's worth living. Because when something traumatic happens, I must still take care of myself because I'll know that life will only get worse if I take a few days off from eating and spend the next four days binging and purging.

I said I needed a vacation from treatment because Chewy was gone and Shish was leaving. But I still had to live. I still owed it to myself to keep moving forward. It's a good lesson to learn though because now I'll know that it will HURT to honor the commitment of winning the gold medal...of 100% abstinence from restricting and binging and purging because these behaviors really do make me feel better in the moment. It is natural for me to turn to the eating disorder. I don't have to think about how to cope with life because they have become so ingrained in my life. However, I need to accept that for a while, I must think about it. I can hate that other people will just wake up and eat breakfast and eat again when they are hungry. It really is not fair that something so intuitive is a daily struggle for me. And it really sucks that I need a distress tolerance box. That I have to tell myself that it is okay to eat.

But if this keeps me on the road to a place where I can feel good about myself and complete and happy and fulfilled, then I need to do it. I want to do it. One day, I'll have a fight with a loved one, or I'll lose my job, or someone will leave me and I cannot just shut down. I cannot stop eating. I cannot spend the entire day binging and purging. That only helps me to feel better because it means I can shut all my feelings off. But in the end...it makes everything worse.

I have to say my commitment to a life worth living is more important than anything else in my life. It has to be my priority everyday until my life without any eating disorder thoughts and behaviors becomes my way of life. As soon as I say I can ease up a bit, or I deserve to ease up a bit, the eating disorder voice will grow louder and stronger than my wise mind.

So I'll plead with myself -- my own wise mind, writing with clarity and determination -- is pleading with the part of me that can only hope for a better life but is often times mired by the realities of an eating disorder:

"Stick with me. Finish this thing up with me. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you've come this far. I'm so proud of you for all the hard work you've done and I acknowledge it. It may seem insignificant at times. It may seem like a waste of time. It may seem like nothing has changed or that things will never be any better. But I'm just asking you to not give up. Let's honor all the hard work that you've done over the past 11 months by working even harder for as long as it takes. I know you want a time line. I know you want to see what it looks like in the end. But trust me.

Talk to your therapist. Answer her questions and insist upon yourself that you'll be honest. Question the eating disorder. Tell it to fuck off. Don't pull things off the table because it's too hard. Cry. Breathe. Sigh. And cry some more. Know that it is good for you to eat three times a day or five times a day. Not just okay. But it good and right and true to feed yourself. It is not defeat or undisciplined to deny yourself the things you need to survive. Do your food log and diary card and complete a chain for every restriction and binge and purge. And then do a chain for every single success. Because there are good times on this recovery road and you never give yourself enough credit. Trust me. And you'll make it.

I know you want the people in your family to care about you. I know you think you need their support. But you can give yourself the care you need and you can support yourself by sticking it out and appreciating the hard work and calling on yourself to calm yourself during the storm when you feel hopeless. I love you and I believe in you and I'm waiting for you."

Building the Yellow Brick Road

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

panicked

2 comments:

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