The past three days have been absolutely amazing. Abso-freaking-lutely! My dear roommate from college and bestest friend has graduated from law school in the top ten of her class. She actually had the 6th highest gpa (but there were 4 people ranked number one). How AMAZING is that? She's brilliant. Hard working. Beautiful. And a wonderful friend. I'm so happy for her.
So I drove over to Tennessee after meeting with Shish on Thursday and for the life of me I cannot remember what we actually talked about. I know I committed to doing a few things before every single binge over the next week (which I really couldn't focus on while with friends and alcohol and pizza floating around the place) but I'll recommit myself for the next three days. I also vaguely agreeing that I need to physically distance myself from my sister for a while as a means of self protection. I had a pretty hard time doing the diaphragmatic breathing in last week's skills class and again with Shish so we worked on that. Now it almost seems like a waste of time but I must just be blocking something out because I do remember that I completely destroyed the camisole I was wearing during that hour. I literally started pulling the strings out and focusing all my attention on ripping the shirt into pieces because I was so angry and tense. How very awkward.The ride through the mountains was beautiful and scary as hell. I have never actually driven through and on mountains for such an extended period of time. Literally 3.5 hours. I worked in Charlottesville for the summer and so I saw the mountains from a distance but never actually had to go down the winding roads with huge yellow signs that said CAUTION: ROCKS SLIDE. Talk about anxiety. Now add rain. Three dozen tractor trailer trucks. And everyone zooming past me at 60 miles per hour (while I was safely doing 45) because the other caution sign said safest speed 50 miles per hour! I was not prepared and I was highly tense and I felt like crying and my ears were popping and we were going up hill then down hill and I will never make that drive again. And yet when I remembered to breathe (I had the Sedona method playing the entire way to K-ville) I could focus my attention on the beautiful scenery. I was literally in awe of how it all works. The earth. How it was even possible for me to drive through the mountains. How the trees managed to grow so high. It was just one of those rare moments when I had nothing else on my mind but how mind blowing life is (well, I also had surviving the maze on my mind).
My other roommate flew into town and we headed to the mall to build a be@r for our graduate. I really loved making that bear and I've been thinking about what to give Shish when she leaves and I think I'll make her a bear too! They're too cute. Then we headed to the university library and spent two hours making a scrapbook of never before seen pictures from college and a few pictures I hijacked from our friend's facebook page. She thought that was hilarious. I had promised myself before hand that I wanted to have as normal of a weekend as possible. I wanted to escape my eating disorder (more for my friends than myself). Four days. Of just pretending (which I know isn't the smartest thing to do...pretending I don't have a problem with food when I clearly do) but I just didn't want to look back on the weekend and regret anything. The wonderful think about doing the scrapbook before we even headed over to our friend's apartment was that I got to look at just how few pictures there were of me from four different camera sources. I was always the one who jumped to take the picture (even when other people who weren't roommates were around) because I felt so self-conscious. I have absolutely no idea how I look to other people. Seriously. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I can't be objective about these things. But when I see myself on film then there's hardcore proof of it. What I see in the picture is what everyone else sees as well. There's no denying that. So I have always made it a point to make a really stupid face or do something completely off the walls in pictures to draw attention to that (rather than my body). Or I just flat out refuse.
This weekend seeing the abundance of pictures we had (and how few of me there were) I decided to be apart of the captured memories for my friends but I still did a lot of the crazy (& drunk) poses. I felt it was a compromise. I still felt completely uncomfortable and everything else but I knew I would kick myself in the ass if I wasn't present in every moment. And technically at the graduation and graduation dinner I took normal pictures like everyone else. I can actually look at those pictures too and see how beautiful my dress was and how pretty I looked that night. And it's just really sad because the whole night I felt fat and I just wanted to LEAVE and the pictures turned out great.
The first night we got completely trashed at my friend's apartment and around 1 am after taking six shots of grey goose and chasing them with reisling we ended up at a pizza parlor where I started dancing to the music playing only in my head and split my favorite pants. The pants I have not fit since SENIOR year of college three years ago. And it was quite shocking to my friends because the pants actually didn't fit. They were too big. And they couldn't understand how pants that are too big can split right down the ass and through the thigh can split under those circumstances. Needless to say I didn't even remember going to the pizza parlor and I didn't realize my pants were split until the following afternoon. Nor do I remember being picked up by one of my friends and carried to the bathroom multiple times. Like I said...an amazing weekend.
The following day we actually went out to a club (and I promise I'm getting to recovery centered stuff here) and I was feeling pretty sad. Actually I felt ashamed. I felt stupid. I felt like a loser. I felt like I was going nothing with my life. I felt even worse for thinking all that while at the club celebrating my roommate's accomplishments. And then I felt fat. And then everything made sense. Why I don't have a boyfriend. Why I suck at life. And so on and so forth. It basically stemmed from the fact that everyone at the graduation dinner asked me what I was doing with my life. And I said "taking a break." And I know they don't know my circumstances. None of the adults have any idea of how miserable I was in law school or that I have an eating disorder or that I think I may have the most fucked up family east of the Mississippi. But saying nothing just made me feel like nothing. And because I didn't address those feelings and thoughts immediately they resurfaced after the first shot (of grey goose) and I was sitting at the bar completely silent on the verge of tears (and seriously scaring my friends who had no idea what was going on in my head). It took me a good twenty minutes to get it together but I did some diaphragmatic breathing and actually thought about what WISE MIND would say. At the bar. In a dance club. With my friends surrounding me. I just needed to escape and think about how to effectively handle the situation and be present for my friends. Nothing about the future of my professional life could be determined at 2 am and so it made no sense to ruin the rare opportunity I had to get faded with my best friends. I literally had to pick up shot glasses on the bar and envision them being all the hurt and embarrassment and disappointment (and everything else) and just DROP it. Let it go.
I told myself if I felt like going back and picking all that stuff up later and handling it, I certainly could. After six drops...a few more minutes of breathing and coming clean to my friends about why I seemed completely absent-- I really let it go. In fact, I told them that I didn't even need to talk about it. I had let it go. I was back and ready to party. It wasn't easy. Those feelings didn't want to be dropped. I'm so used to holding on to all these negative feelings and thoughts that I literally have to tell myself to LET THEM GO. I had to force myself to go out on the dance floor (completely self conscious and all) and then I practiced being in the moment. Thinking only of dancing. Other thoughts came into my head and I acknowledged them and went right back to focusing all my attention on the music. By the end of the night I felt fabulous. I really did. And I think all those m@nhatten apples had only a little to do with it.
My roommates and I talked until nearly dawn that night and they both agreed that I like being...well I can't remember the word they used. But apparently someone who does like discomfort and pain and sadness and all that stuff. Something that Shish has alluded to as well. Only once. But after I had a really successful day with the food plan and then never even tried it again. She thought it was interesting that I felt happy and proud with the outcome of the experiment and then went right back to my same old routine and didn't even think about repeating it because maybe I like the chaos and drama that comes along with having an eating disorder. I disagreed. And I disagree with my friends. I don't like ANY of it. But I do see how I completely downplayed the fact I am technically employed and I did volunteer for one of the democratic presidential nominees and I do spend a lot of time caring for my nephews. And yet, I said I was unemployed. Taking a break. Doing nothing with my life.
i.e. Making the situation worse by not truly acknowledging the reality. Not seeing the good but going right into the darkness and pain and disorder (and I have NO idea why I do that!)
I have a big day ahead of me. I really want to do some things to try to turn around how I feel about my existence. First by accepting it. That it's truly okay simply because it is. And then changing a few things each day to see if that makes me feel any better about myself. I also have so much dbt homework to catch up on before tomorrow's class. I've missed you all so much and I promise I'll catch up AFTER I check some things off my to-do list. As wonderful as this past weekend was...I'm actually glad to be back. I want to set up a routine and make some real changes in my life. First things first though, and that means I have to work on this eating disorder. It was wonderful to pretend (or try to pretend) for a weekend that I'm like all my friends, but it'll be even better to actually live a lifestyle that doesn't involve an eating disorder.
My other roommate flew into town and we headed to the mall to build a be@r for our graduate. I really loved making that bear and I've been thinking about what to give Shish when she leaves and I think I'll make her a bear too! They're too cute. Then we headed to the university library and spent two hours making a scrapbook of never before seen pictures from college and a few pictures I hijacked from our friend's facebook page. She thought that was hilarious. I had promised myself before hand that I wanted to have as normal of a weekend as possible. I wanted to escape my eating disorder (more for my friends than myself). Four days. Of just pretending (which I know isn't the smartest thing to do...pretending I don't have a problem with food when I clearly do) but I just didn't want to look back on the weekend and regret anything. The wonderful think about doing the scrapbook before we even headed over to our friend's apartment was that I got to look at just how few pictures there were of me from four different camera sources. I was always the one who jumped to take the picture (even when other people who weren't roommates were around) because I felt so self-conscious. I have absolutely no idea how I look to other people. Seriously. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I can't be objective about these things. But when I see myself on film then there's hardcore proof of it. What I see in the picture is what everyone else sees as well. There's no denying that. So I have always made it a point to make a really stupid face or do something completely off the walls in pictures to draw attention to that (rather than my body). Or I just flat out refuse.
This weekend seeing the abundance of pictures we had (and how few of me there were) I decided to be apart of the captured memories for my friends but I still did a lot of the crazy (& drunk) poses. I felt it was a compromise. I still felt completely uncomfortable and everything else but I knew I would kick myself in the ass if I wasn't present in every moment. And technically at the graduation and graduation dinner I took normal pictures like everyone else. I can actually look at those pictures too and see how beautiful my dress was and how pretty I looked that night. And it's just really sad because the whole night I felt fat and I just wanted to LEAVE and the pictures turned out great.
The first night we got completely trashed at my friend's apartment and around 1 am after taking six shots of grey goose and chasing them with reisling we ended up at a pizza parlor where I started dancing to the music playing only in my head and split my favorite pants. The pants I have not fit since SENIOR year of college three years ago. And it was quite shocking to my friends because the pants actually didn't fit. They were too big. And they couldn't understand how pants that are too big can split right down the ass and through the thigh can split under those circumstances. Needless to say I didn't even remember going to the pizza parlor and I didn't realize my pants were split until the following afternoon. Nor do I remember being picked up by one of my friends and carried to the bathroom multiple times. Like I said...an amazing weekend.
The following day we actually went out to a club (and I promise I'm getting to recovery centered stuff here) and I was feeling pretty sad. Actually I felt ashamed. I felt stupid. I felt like a loser. I felt like I was going nothing with my life. I felt even worse for thinking all that while at the club celebrating my roommate's accomplishments. And then I felt fat. And then everything made sense. Why I don't have a boyfriend. Why I suck at life. And so on and so forth. It basically stemmed from the fact that everyone at the graduation dinner asked me what I was doing with my life. And I said "taking a break." And I know they don't know my circumstances. None of the adults have any idea of how miserable I was in law school or that I have an eating disorder or that I think I may have the most fucked up family east of the Mississippi. But saying nothing just made me feel like nothing. And because I didn't address those feelings and thoughts immediately they resurfaced after the first shot (of grey goose) and I was sitting at the bar completely silent on the verge of tears (and seriously scaring my friends who had no idea what was going on in my head). It took me a good twenty minutes to get it together but I did some diaphragmatic breathing and actually thought about what WISE MIND would say. At the bar. In a dance club. With my friends surrounding me. I just needed to escape and think about how to effectively handle the situation and be present for my friends. Nothing about the future of my professional life could be determined at 2 am and so it made no sense to ruin the rare opportunity I had to get faded with my best friends. I literally had to pick up shot glasses on the bar and envision them being all the hurt and embarrassment and disappointment (and everything else) and just DROP it. Let it go.
I told myself if I felt like going back and picking all that stuff up later and handling it, I certainly could. After six drops...a few more minutes of breathing and coming clean to my friends about why I seemed completely absent-- I really let it go. In fact, I told them that I didn't even need to talk about it. I had let it go. I was back and ready to party. It wasn't easy. Those feelings didn't want to be dropped. I'm so used to holding on to all these negative feelings and thoughts that I literally have to tell myself to LET THEM GO. I had to force myself to go out on the dance floor (completely self conscious and all) and then I practiced being in the moment. Thinking only of dancing. Other thoughts came into my head and I acknowledged them and went right back to focusing all my attention on the music. By the end of the night I felt fabulous. I really did. And I think all those m@nhatten apples had only a little to do with it.
My roommates and I talked until nearly dawn that night and they both agreed that I like being...well I can't remember the word they used. But apparently someone who does like discomfort and pain and sadness and all that stuff. Something that Shish has alluded to as well. Only once. But after I had a really successful day with the food plan and then never even tried it again. She thought it was interesting that I felt happy and proud with the outcome of the experiment and then went right back to my same old routine and didn't even think about repeating it because maybe I like the chaos and drama that comes along with having an eating disorder. I disagreed. And I disagree with my friends. I don't like ANY of it. But I do see how I completely downplayed the fact I am technically employed and I did volunteer for one of the democratic presidential nominees and I do spend a lot of time caring for my nephews. And yet, I said I was unemployed. Taking a break. Doing nothing with my life.
i.e. Making the situation worse by not truly acknowledging the reality. Not seeing the good but going right into the darkness and pain and disorder (and I have NO idea why I do that!)
I have a big day ahead of me. I really want to do some things to try to turn around how I feel about my existence. First by accepting it. That it's truly okay simply because it is. And then changing a few things each day to see if that makes me feel any better about myself. I also have so much dbt homework to catch up on before tomorrow's class. I've missed you all so much and I promise I'll catch up AFTER I check some things off my to-do list. As wonderful as this past weekend was...I'm actually glad to be back. I want to set up a routine and make some real changes in my life. First things first though, and that means I have to work on this eating disorder. It was wonderful to pretend (or try to pretend) for a weekend that I'm like all my friends, but it'll be even better to actually live a lifestyle that doesn't involve an eating disorder.
2 comments:
You're awesome. Sounds to me like you worked really hard this weekend to make it fun and to enjoy it as much as you could. That's hard to do.
You're certainly not doing nothing. But, it's hard to put together what you're doing in a tangible way, and it is likely some of the most worthwhile stuff you could ever and will ever do.
Be proud x
You ARE awesome. I've been trying to change a few things lately, and I have found that something called analytical meditation to be helpful... basically, you contemplate the 'quality' you want to embody, and you concentrate on it... and on and on. I have found this is really helpful for me in a very practical way. I have been considering 'patience' and I find it just really shifts something inside.
Hope your day was a good one, love/
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