feels like a storm is coming (like a real storm...not more drama in my life)

Off the top of my head the past few days have been really good. I've been eating regularly (or however I define it to be). But eating so much that I feel it's too much (although I know it isn't) and I haven't binged in a while. I think it's been a week although I'll have to check my logs to verify that. Either way I'm psyched. I cannot remember the last time I purged or binged (and I really think the last B was in Tennessee).

Friday I hung out with one of the girls from my dbt skills class. :) I know! Isn't that insane? Because for like two weeks I was convinced that they hated me and thought I was so fat and disgusting and it just GOES TO SHOW how I can misinterpret any old little thing. I was soooo wrong about the situation when I thought I was absolutely right. I can't have enough of those moments it seems, but at least this time I felt so much better knowing I was mistaken. I went over to her apartment to help her pack and we talked and I really enjoyed myself. I ate lunch before I headed over because I don't think we're allowed to eat around each other. I know we're not allowed to engage in any behaviors (which technically means restricting) so we parted ways at dinner time. We took her dog on a nice little walk right after an afternoon shower and it just felt good to hang out with someone who knows and understands and also know that yeah, there are more things to life than this. We could talk about the ed and group and therapists and food and alcohol and drugs and then we could leave it alone and go elsewhere and it just felt natural. Anyway, I came home and ate dinner and something really really upsetting happened!

My checking and savings account literally had less than $1.00. I didn't understand how something like that could happen especially since I'm not expecting a paycheck for THREE weeks. The situation got a little better. LITTLE. For some reason sometimes my bank always holds more (I think that's what happens why I purchase gas anyways) than it needs to and later redeposits the money back. Either way I was frantic. Sad. Scared. I have two therapy sessions next week and need money to pay for that. I also need money to do a few other things and change was just not going to cut it. The really good thing about it though: it finally kicked my ass into gear. Not that I didn't need money before (because I certainly did) but I literally started making plans to start selling stuff.

Like my guitar. And old cell phone. And clarinet. And CLOTHES that I had hoped to wear again. And so many books. And then for some reason I just couldn't sell that stuff. I mean if I absolutely have to do it to make ends meet I will...but I went out on a limb and responded to a cr@igslist poster who needed a babysitter this afternoon. Thankfully the lady called me yesterday afternoon and (I totally sent references and wrote a lot about myself) said I had the job. For now...crisis averted. A little breathing room. I almost halfway considered waiting tables but honestly, it's just not something I can afford to do. I cannot handle stress well which means I'd be putting myself in the worst possible situation with LOADS of food. The babysitting worked out fine. The two kids were a handful (cursing! at four and five years old!) I had to wake up at 8 o'clock in the morning (well before my usual noon) but I felt really productive. I was making money, having fun with the kids, dealing with real life situations and although yeah, I felt a little overwhelmed and nervous and scared and tired and frustrated when they wouldn't listen to me AT ALL -- I got out of the house. It felt good to spend six hours doing work. It felt even BETTER to be paid more than we originally agreed upon.

The only part of the day that I literally thought I wouldn't make it is when the four year old girl pushed her white tricycle down the driveway hill into my CAR! I just celebrated my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY with my car on Saturday. And now there's this L-O-N-G mark across the bumper. A mixture of the pant coming off my car and the white paint coming off her bike. Not pretty. I seriously wanted to hurt that little girl. But I told myself...assess the damage (nothing I could personally do at that moment to fix my beloved bumper) and just be glad that's the worst thing that's happened to the car in a year. I'm still angry. But dude I did not binge. And I freaking could have sent those kids to their rooms and ate the HOUSE.

Needless to say I'm pooped. I have plenty of dbt homework to do post Desper@ate and oh! I wrote a letter to Shish. I'm taking it in on Thursday. It's four pages so I won't paste the whole thing, just the major ish...I have really missed you guys. And I hope everyone had a good weekend. Filled with rest and love and acceptance and fun times. I'm off to catch up on some much needed rest.