Pretty Negative (Free Free to Pass)

Since Tuesday I've eaten once. I've slept a total of 12 hours. I've contemplated binging and purging on numerous occasions and had to call on God to direct my attention to me TWENTY FOUR HOUR evidence exam. I had only planned on spending 10 on it because as we all know, I have other things to do in life, more importantly, pass the other three classes that I'm currently failing. So I spent 10 hours on it but those ten hours were a fucking eternity from hell and I can't ever go back to period of life like this week. Or this semester.

I can't go back. I won't go back. I'm not ever going back.

At some point around 3 am last night after I'd spent six hours on half the exam and realized that I would never ever finish, I wanted to breakdown because the professor said it should only TAKE four hours to complete, but that he would ALLOW us 24. He's a liar. Everyone I knew took at least 12. AT LEAST. I know people who spent the ENTIRE time on the exam and still didn't finish. But I finished...or at least "I decided I was finished." Gotta love that Kanye.

I did the exam at my sponsor's farmhouse which was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. Really. I have never in my life ever considered living anywhere EXCEPT a major city, especially after living in Southern cities (which can't really be considered a city unless you're talking about Miami) but...It was peaceful. And comforting. And after one night I was completely sold. Funny how dreams can change, just like that.

Shish called today (waking me from my 2 hour nap that hadn't been scheduled but I felt like I was falling apart...and not just mentally) She wants me to talk to the Dean about getting this semester "erased" and she'd be glad to write a note for the crazy girl who can't seem to get it together and do her work like all the other overachieving assholes in law school. But I'm afraid to do that. I guess I'm just afraid to admit that that's what it's come to. That I failed this semester. I can't face that just yet, which means instead of re-doing the semester because I've withdrawn for medical reasons on the absolute LAST day of classes...it means that I'll really just fail.

My sponsor said that life would go on tomorrow and i would see that regardless of whether the work gets done that it's not the end of the world.

It's the end of the world. It's the end of my world. It's the end of pretending. It's the end of law school. There's no sugar-coating what's really going on here. I'm not good enough and I've let RECOVERY not even my bulimia stand as my excuse for being a screw up. I blame recovery, the prozac, the zoloft, the klonopin, my depression, my bulimia a little bit, the fact that my life had to be wrapped up on trying to get BETTER for the fact that I didn't get a single thing done this semester after the first week in November. I gave up.

Don't be too hard on yourself, Erin? I'm sure someone's thinking that. But I quit law school, or doing law school, two months ago, and I just couldn't bring myself to really do it. And so I have to be hard on myself. I'm ashamed and disgusted and really in disbelief although I guess I shouldn't be.

I had so much to say to Shish today but I'm so freaking "whatever" about everything in life that I can't even CRY. I WANT TO BREAKDOWN RIGHT NOW and I can't. I want to sob and scream and shake and lie in bed and not move until the day after Christmas. I'm just too tired to even force myself to express what I feel.

Guess those meds are still working.