My First Purge

I had been thinking about it for a while. Actually I'd been sick with the flu and when I returned to college after the winter break everyone commented on how good I looked. And yet I had the flu...

I also had a friend who I knew had a problem. Meaning she also struggles with bulimia. And sadly, I'd done a little research on the internet on how to actually do it. So one evening after dinner with my roommate and some friends I headed back to the dorm ahead of everyone else. I think I might have mentioned that my stomach was hurting or something (already the lies...) I took my toothbrush too...because I knew that it being my first time purging, I might need some assistance.

And it felt awful. I mean forcing myself to do something so unnatural. I thought I would choke. My throat felt so raw and my head was spinning but I remember thinking, "I hope this works."
And it did. Whatever I ate came rushing out through my mouth and nose and I felt this burning sensation and it was just an overall awful feeling. But THEN I felt empty. Like completely empty. And knowing that I had just emptied myself of everything I'd just ate and drank gave me the fuel to keep on doing it.

And I actually hated the feeling of making myself throw up, but loved the feeling of being empty so much that I would restrict all day to feel empty and if I ate anything at all (not even necessarily a binge) as a punishment, I would make myself throw up. Like ha ha, that'll teach you to eat.

I wanted to be thin because I wanted to get a boyfriend. And all my life I'd heard my father say that I could stand to lose a few meals. Why didn't I have a boyfriend? Why didn't I go to this college? Why didn't I study that? Why didn't I explore medical school? I thought losing the weight would make my parents happy, make me happy, I'd date more, I'd wear cuter clothes. It didn't start out as a coping mechanism. It really started out as a way to eat & also lose weight.

And then I started doing it even when I wasn't hungry. Binging & purging that is, because besides giving me that feeling of being empty, it also made me feel at peace. Strange, I know. But ridding myself of everything I'd just stuffed down my face makes me forget about the loneliness or rage or emptiness or sadness that I've felt all day. Everything that pains me just disappears with that feeling and I'm afraid that giving up on purging (not even necessarily the binging although thats tough too) means I can't forget about the pain. It means I have to live with it all day as I'm restricting and it means I go to sleep with it at night.

I'm not sure how it progressed from a method for losing weight to a method from escaping life. And I'm not even convinced that I want to stop or do what is necessary to stop. I just know that more than anything I'm unwilling to lose five more years of my life to this...and that's the only thing that keeps me willing to build this road to recovery.