I'll Be Home For Christmas

Except actually I won't be. I'll still be here. In this city that I hate. Doing work I once loved but that has now turned me into someone I no longer recognize. Although I won't be totally alone. My sponsor and EDA buddy have extended invitations for me to join their families so I wouldn't be lonely.

Yeah. Exactly. I had hoped both would sense the irony of what they were saying. Come to our house where there's tons of love and affection and food and alcohol when the exact reason youve stayed here to do work was to avoid all of that at home. Except home I'd be avoiding people pretending and being fake that one two days out of the year (Thanksgiving was the other) that we actually get along and love each other and aren't a dysfunctional lot of a family. I've always spent the holidays at my friend's families homes so it's nothing new honestly. I mean I have an actual seat at the Christmas table at one of my best friend's family and was expected for Thanksgiving even when she didn't make it home. But I think this year...I'd really really rather avoid it all.

I just want to crawl into bed with a flask of rum & coke, more rum than coke. Okay, with a flask of rum, a couple cigars, and like some really depressing movies & cds and just sob until I pass out. I don't actually own a flask and so I doubt very seriously I'll spend Christmas night doing that, although I might end up with a bottle of rum. Right now, it's the only present I want, and it's a lot better (for me) than spending the night binging and purging. And cheaper too. :)

I'm experiencing these really nasty body aches and pains, in my neck, my upper back, my shoulders, and of course my head. I really want to attribute it to my stress levels and the fact that I'm not getting the best sleep or eating right...but I can't deny that I actually feel like shit mostly because I know I've come down with something. My throat is so unbelievably sore, I have the most persistent cough, and let's not forget how I started out the day yesterday. By throwing up hot tea.

Yeah. So just in case I was thinking I have no energy because I'm malnourished and I can't concentrate because I'm a lazy ass...now I have another contributing factor. I got pneumonia last year and it was the worst amount of pain I've ever experienced in life, even worse than Traveler's Diarrhea, and I have reason to be concerned. My mother called last night to say it might not be such a bad idea if I didn't come home...my dad has pneumonia. Not that I'd pick it up from him, but I certainly wouldn't want to get worse, or make his situation more unbearable by bringing my germs into the house.

Fortunately I have an appointment with my family doctor on the 26th but I might not make it home...although I was really just hoping she'd say I have the flu or bronchitis as the very most and prescribe something to put me under for the next two weeks so I can emerge feeling healthy and well rested.

I can be proud of myself for one very valid reason. It has been a VERY long time since I binged and purged. I mean, I stopped keeping track of it. I'm pretty sure I haven't done it at all this month (although I might need to check my journal to be sure). In all of this insanity, I just couldn't go there. It's kind of like my first year of law school. I was literally PULLING MY HAIR OUT and drinking insane amounts of rum & coke, & wine every single day. But I wouldn't do this. I knew I wouldn't make it. I just had this fear that it wouldn't even be an emotional not making it...but I was literally afraid I would die if I did it. And contrary to whatever I feel like in my worst days, I know I'm not ready to die. Sticking my head in the toilet after consuming copious amounts of junk food would be a clear indication that I've given up. That I can't finish because once I start doing that...it's soo very hard to focus on anything else. And I've wanted to. I've really really wanted to. But I want to finish more than I want to binge and purge. And I'm so thankful for that.

Happy Holidays everyone! I appreciate you all and love you dearly for your support and honesty and here's me wishing you one day where you can simply enjoy the holiday without a single eating disordered thought, feeling, or behavior. It'd be the greatest gift we could give to ourselves!