a hug

Two years ago I got pretty messed up and I thought I was going to die. I was at BEST's apartment and my heart was coming out of my chest cavity...or so it seemed. I was shaking and sobbing and I was soooo afraid of dying alone. That's all I could think about...how I'd always been alone. BEST got me into a cold shower to calm me down from my hysterics but I was hanging on to her for dear life. I wasn't ready yet...And holding on to someone you love, who you know also loves you...makes whatever is wrong feel just a bit better. I felt like she was taking all my fears away with that hug...that she was saving me, pulling me away from the darkness (or the light.) And she was scared shitless...had no idea what was going on, nor had she any idea just what her presence was doing for my state of mind. But she was there...and I asked her to sit with me until I fell asleep, so that just in case I did die...that I wouldn't be alone. That was certainly a crazy night!

We never really talked about it either. She once commented that I had really frightened her and I felt the same...that I'd really scared myself this time too.

It's weird that I'm writing about this now. We NEVER hugged as friends. Best friends for nearly a decade and I can only think of two other times. We just didn't need to do that I suppose...because I always think of hugs as saying goodbye, or clinging to someone to make sure they're still there, or holding on to someone because you don't know when you'll see them again.

It goes without saying now that I need that same hug from her two years ago right now. One where I can release all of this built up shit to my best friend and she'll know what to do with it. Or even if she doesn't, she's willing to sit and wait and just be there.

I don't have the feeling as if I'm about to die, nor do I want to. I just feel that I'm falling apart and I need someone to sit with me until the feeling subsides so that I know I'm not alone.

Except I know that I am.