heads or tails

I feel like flipping a coin to decide some very major life decisions right now. guess that shows the kind of person I am...letting my fate be decided by some random act because I lack the balls to do what I want. to know what I want.

drop out or stay. recover or stop fighting it.
breakdown or keep pretending.

fake it to u make it.

and I think just living with the consequences of either side of the coin would be fine...just so long as it isn't me making the decision. cuz then if I'm doing the wrong thing...then its clearly me thats the fuckup. not life or fate or destiny. the coin decided...it was out of my hands. I had no choice. except I do...and that's the problem. I can't live with knowing I had the choice to do the right thing or the best thing and knowing that I single handedly screwed up. I almost rather thered be no control...or everything was in ur control. does that make sense? either there's a blueprint and I follow it because I have to...or theres a white canvass and I get to decide it all and I know what's best...

I met this really great guy tonight. handsome, funny, an engineer, very liberal but with some old fashioned views about gender roles and...he was very intriguing. I wanted to know him better OR hook up with him. not both. never both. okay that didn't make sense. I wanted both but I knew I could only do one. I couldn't get personal or have this crazy physical attraction. and although he's not my typical guy lookswise...I couldn't take my eyes off him. I thought we clicked...and its been a while since I got THAT feeling. it felt great too. I really enjoyed myself.

but I had to sit there and know...that's another me. maybe in another lifetime where I'm not so distant, so closed off...so ready to run screaming the second something gets too real. I can't go there...but I would love to. a relationship? a real one...ha. I don't show affection. I push guys away if they try to get to know me. ill do anything to break it off so y even take it there in my mind. we could only ever be friends or the other type of friend. cuz I'm so afraid of them seeing what I see...or of a guy only wanting to use me...or of it getting so bad and me not wanting to walk away...I'm so afraid they won't be who I need them to be...and vice versa. theres a lot of fear which I let dictate soooooo much of my life


if I could imagine life the way I'd love it...well I won't go there now. I feel myself getting choked up...and its too late for that. but to think I have a choice in that...that I can someone who can let someone in...who can be happy, who can be in control and make the right choices even when it hurts or its too hard...I want to believe that...but y am I like this then, if its really up to me? if we're not all stuck in these shitty lives...y do people stay when they're unhappy. y don't they run the other way...maybe they don't know where they'd end up...but itd have to be better, right? the unknown...

I'm certain I've stopped making sense. I think my zoloft has started to wear off...I've been really emotional lately. or maybe its all that tequila I had after dinner.