Second Thoughts

Shish agreed with me that therapy isn't working because:

1. We haven''t invested enough time together; and
2. Because I am not fully committed.

Herein lies the problem.

I am committed enough to go to EDA once a week. Committed enough to drop Immigration Law so that I could go to the meetings instead of go to class. Committed enough to driving 2.5 hours one way for outpatient treatment. Committed enough to doing that even when I cannot stay home for the weekend, therefore driving back 2.5 hours so I can fulfill my academic obligations. So I guess we're in accord. That's not much commitment. But here's the thing, what other commitments can I make and then actually commit to doing them?

Yes. I could commit to three meals a day. But why commit to that when I know it's a bold faced lie? Yes, I could commit to thinking about marking three meals a day. But what's the point in thinking about marking meals if I know I won't actually mark them.

I feel an utter sense of disappointment. I also feel that I'm losing hope. How on Earth can I just stop my old habits just because now I say I want to stop them? That's ridiculous! I've been binging and purging for almost five years. Agreeing to follow Cruella's nutrition goals is one thing. Following them is another. Yesterday I was so ready for Thursday, so I could meet with Cruella and express my sincerest apologies for being such a bitch at our last session. I was so ready to commit to doing everything she outlined for the week.

Today that seems unlikely. Unlikely that I can go from restricting all day long to eating breakfast, then lunch, then dinner. It's not the binging and purging that scares me. It's the fact that I'll be eating so much and not purging. It's all those unnecessary calories because I am fat. It's that eating breakfast and lunch and dinner will make me feel really bad about myself and that will inevitably lead to a binge and purge. It's knowing that for now I can punk Cruella into allowing me to think that applesauce constitutes breakfast, lunch and dinner, but that knowing down the line she'll add a sandwich and yogurt to that for lunch. She'll keep adding things that I don't need to eat. And because I don't need to eat them because I'm already fat, then I'll purge them. And there we are...back at square one.

Why am I even pretending that I want to be recovered? That's the question of the day.

Do I really want to be recovered? Yes.

I want to get rid of all of those self loathing thoughts, actions, and attitudes that have pretty much taken over my life. But am I willing to break the habit of restricting all day so that I don't binge at night? I'm hesitant. But only because if that means I'm eating throughout the day to prevent the binge, there's nothing to prevent the purge. I want it out because I want to be thin. I'm obviously still sick (not that I ever contested that notion) because I equate thin to prettiness and my life's happiness. And let's back up a minute...there's nothing to prevent regular eating from turning into an out of control binge.

Do I want to go through recovery, eating three meals and two snacks, trusting Cruella, trusting Shish, trusting the Doctor (maybe not so much her), trusting group, and giving myself the opportunity after years of abuse to trust myself. That's asking for a lot. Why can't we opt for eating one meal a day and not purging it and eliminating the binges? Maybe I'll bring that up to Cruella and Shish on Thursday.

How do I go from restricting all day or even all week to eating breakfast like it's no big deal? EDA members would say prayer. Shish would say something like faith & trust. I lack all three.

I could pray that God allow me to eat breakfast, however there's nothing to make me actually eat it because although I have the burning desire to be recovered, I have no desire to eat without purging. Do I believe God can cure me of this? God can do all things and that I know to be true. I suppose the more appropriate question is do I believe that I'm worthy of God's help and love in struggling with my bulimia and the answer to that is -- No. It's as simple as that.

Prayer. I could pray for good health I suppose, the courage to make the best decisions everyday. I already pray for God to protect me when I'm on the road and I always pray for others and our world leaders to do what's best for humanity. But I feel foolish asking for God to help me to eat when I know that in some parts of this city (not to mention the entire world) people are praying for food to eat.

I suppose it's my shame not allowing me to ask for help because this is MY problem. It won't allow me to talk to my parents, although that's mostly fear governing that nondisclosure. But it won't allow me place this burden on anyone, including God, because I have had a wonderful life and I don't deserve to put anyone through this. I have been overwhelmingly blessed and every time I restrict, binge, and purge, I feel like I have no right to do this. And no right to ask for help.

Maybe I am one of those persons who needs to hit rock bottom before I can commit to change.