Breaking Up

My best friend (BEST) and I broke up recently. We've had little spats from time to time in the past and have always referred to them as "break ups". But this time, I think we actually broke up. D'apres moi, the friendship wasn't healthy. And since I'm in this whole recovery mentality mode (which is a GOOD thing) it seemed natural to remove all unhealthy relationships from my life...not just food. This was difficult considering that BEST is without a doubt the sister I never had. Not that I don't have a sister, because I do, but we've never been close. It was one of those friendships that was just truly.........I can't find the words. But I feel blessed to know that for about 9 years we could come to each other with anything and walk away feeling completely loved and understood.

So how did that turn unhealthy? It's a long story. You'll just have to take my word for it. In fact, I prolonged the break up for as long as I could because I'm one of those girls who doesn't leave abusive relationships. I don't hold myself in as high regard as people would believe I do and for that very reason it's hard for me to let go of people or things when

1. I think I need them
2. I think they need me
3. I'm afraid I won't have anyone to replace them with.

In the end, I realized that it was important for me to prove to myself that I could walk away from BEST as much as it would hurt. And it still hurts to this day. But there's a small piece of me inside that's smiling because I didn't think I would ever end our friendship. I always put the power of ending romantic relationships in their hands because I viewed myself as too weak to do it. And I was back then; too weak. But now I can honestly say that she was no longer being my friend. That she was causing more grief than right now my life can allow for and I finally put my foot down.

Now to the REAL point. Not that I view my relationship with my bulimia as a friendship at all, but it is a dependency. It is routine. It is a coping habit. It is definitely NOT unknown. I couldn't imagine ending the friendship with BEST because we'd been friends for almost a decade. Who would I tell my exciting news to when I advanced in a trial competition? Who would literally cry with me when I broke down about my diminished self esteem and battle with bulimia? Who else could even HEAR about my bulimia and not judge me? Even writing this, I'm unknown of the answers. I guess for a while, I'll have to depend on myself.

My bulimia is so routine, it's like I'm out of a page from a textbook. I restrict all day & then I "mess up" at night. Sometimes I can go days and when that happens I am overjoyed because I fought the urge to eat, and even better to binge! If something bad happens I automatically know I can go to it, to make me feel better. Or maybe, if I'm honest, it doesn't even make me feel better, but I can avoid whatever horrible situation just occurred. And I like to avoid. It's what I know. It's what I do. It makes me feel a certain way and even though sometimes it makes me feel like shit, other times it makes me feel like I am in control. Regardless, giving up my bulimia is unknown.

How will I cope?
How will I avoid?
Or will I have to deal with life as it presents itself to me?...
Will I have to deal with my self loathing thoughts some other way?
By not punishing myself...
Will I have to depend on myself to deal with bad news, and body image, self esteem, relationships & love now that I've given up BEST and my bulimia?

Still, I have no answers. I felt completely humiliated when I facebooked BEST last month and inquired to know how her life was. Hard to let go. 9 years. Every birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas celebrated. We graduated high school. She sent me off to college. I was at her daughter's baptism. She came down for my graduation. We saw each other through a few bad relationships and we took in way too many New Year's together.

I feel the same way about my bulimia. As much of the bad aspects as there are, there were still some good times and at the end of the day it's hard to separate the two because of the history we've had together. With my bulimia, I got down to a size 6 from a 14. I had my first relationship. I felt more secure & confident. I didn't have to search for the high end sizes at Express & AE. I could shop at Bebe & Arden B with ease. I could tell my friends what size I wore. My parents stopped harassing me about my weight. I felt more attractive. Love & relationships weren't just some fantasy, it was actually happening and I had my bulimia to thank for it. And even though things are pretty bad with my bulimia now, I almost feel like if we can just make it through this rough patch together, I get back down to a size 6, I appreciate myself more, things would be better. But I know that's my bulimia talking.

At least now I know that.

So that's why it's hard to lay the first brick. Because I sincerely put all my life's happiness in my size and body shape and for a little while everything pretty much fell in to place when I lost weight. With the exception of what I was doing to my body and the shame I felt, I was the happiest I'd ever been in life. Breaking up with bulimia scares me because I'll be replacing it with three meals a day and two snacks. Unimaginable. Breaking up with bulimia brings tears to my eyes because there's a part of me that concedes that if I were just better at it, I wouldn't have to break up with it. Breaking up with bulimia means my life's happiness isn't wrapped up in my size or weight or body shape and I'm not willing to concede that belief.

Breaking up with my bulimia means my life's happiness is wrapped up with me and what I do and who I love (and who I let love me). It means that once I make this break with bulimia, I'll be even happier than I was a few years ago because I won't feel shame and loathe even if I end up gaining weight. It means I won't judge myself by other people's measure sticks that I've claimed as my own. It means I'll experience a life that I haven't known since I was a little kid, one without binging and purging, constant thoughts about sizes and weight, insecurities about love and relationships. And although I don't look forward to experiencing this break up with bulimia, I am looking forward to living that life.