good news

I feel alive.

Life isn't perfect. Far from it. I'm struggling more these days with the eating disorder voice telling me to restrict or purge. But I'm fighting it. I'm tell it, "Fuck you." I'm eating anyway. I'm not purging.

Yes, I skip meals. I've drank more coffee in the past two months than I ever have in my life. I'm pulling out my hair. But I'm not depressed. I wake up in the mornings and I can get out of bed. It hasn't been so long ago that there were days and weeks and months at a time when I could not even do that.

I was telling my boss today that I go home after work and I'm usually asleep by 7 pm. She asked if I'm depressed and you know what...

I'M NOT!

I go to bed because I'm tired. Because I hate being lethargic at work and I honestly need about 10 - 11 hours of sleep. That's a lot of sleep, I know. But right now -- I can't stay up past 10 or 11 pm without binging and purging. That's playing with fire. So I go to bed. Recovery for me is about doing what's best for me in each moment and that means turning the lights out before Primetime begins. And I can live with that because I'm alive.

I'm alive!

And I'm really really appreciating my life.

I could use a friend right now.

So I didn't take my meds today because I was moving from one apartment to another. And that of course threw off my "eating schedule." I use the quotations because honestly, there is no schedule on days when I'm not working. Anyway -- breakfast occurred after I'd moved from the third floor to the second floor (with no elevator) and all was well. And then I started "snacking" which just sort of ended up as a really extended binge. And I'm feeling gross. And I'm contemplating jumping back on the horse (for dinner) because it IS dinner time but my body is just freaking out right now.

And I'm really anxious about work and getting this work done from home and it's reminiscent of things past and that worries me. And of course I'm afraid that I'm backsliding. And then that makes me think that I'm blowing things out of proportion.

But here's the truth:

I didn't get my work done on Friday. I took it home to do over the weekend but I didn't feel like doing it. Although I did do other things (none of them eating disordered). So today, I played hooky from work (and moved which was really important because I needed to move). But now I've got all these reports to start and complete and it's already 6:30 and I wish my boss were an easier person to deal with. I wish I hadn't been so tired and unproductive last week.

I wish I had taken my meds this morning because they anxiety is escalating. And I'm doing this now to keep myself from doing anything stupid (not to be judgmental).

I could use a friend right now.

short post

Remember when I couldn't get of bed because I was so depressed?
Remember when Jay used to tell me to go to the mall -- just to get out of the house?
Remember when all I could do -- day in and day out was to just exist in my eating disorder and depression?

I'm not saying that's all in the past. I'm saying -- I'm just different now. I woke up this morning and got dressed and walked to church (30 minutes late of course but only because of a logistical error on my behalf). No -- I don't really have the $15 for a movie and dinner -- but I've been in the apartment since 1 pm. And that's not good for me. So yeah, I'm gonna get dressed in less than ideal weather and walk the 5 blocks or so to the movie theater and see a movie that I probably won't enjoy because it's taking care of myself. And there's no price at which I'm willing to say "that's too much" or "that's not worth it."

Because I do remember those days. And they were sad and all encompassing and I hated my life. Absolutely hated it. And I spent so many nights contemplating just ending it all. And now, I'm in a better place.

Now I wake up every morning between 7 and 8. I work 8 hours a day. I talk to my family in very limited doses. I've maintained my boundaries by not communicating with my father (even though he's reached out to me twice since I've been in Maine). Now, I take of care of myself more often than I don't. Now when I don't take care of myself, I pick myself right back up again and keep trucking along.

It's not really in remembrance of who I used to be -- it's more like realizing this is it. This is my life. And I can spend it in the house doing sudoku puzzles 16 hours a day on the weekends (obviously I don't think there's anything wrong with that) or I live my life a different way. One that brings me a little bit more pleasure.

So that maybe when the chips are down, I'll be in a better place to handle it.

Wasn't so short, huh?

It wasn't even a binge. Just a late dinner. Not even "dinner" and yet I'm tormented by the urge to purge. It's been a trying week.

I miss home so much. I miss my nephew. I miss the younger nephew. I miss Chewy and the other doggie. I miss Dixie -- so much. I miss my bed and the couch in the family room. I miss my house. I miss my friends and my city.

I miss the first month of Maine -- when even though things weren't easy -- I wasn't doing the eating disorder thing. I miss that feeling of believing that this might actually be behind me.

I hate how it creeps in. I hate how it spreads.

Didn't binge today!

Great news!

Yes. It's true. I broke the pattern. And even though I'm a little anxious right now [read very anxious right now] I'm staying out of the kitchen.

Breakfast: check
Lunch: half check
Snack: check
2nd snack: check

All in all, a very successful day in my book. There was no overeating. No emotional eating. In fact, the reason why I didn't finish my lunch was because I wasn't hungry and I didn't enjoy what I was eating. This didn't leave me craving anything else to substitute a boring lunch. It just made me stop when I was full (or maybe I don't know if I was technically full, but just done with eating.) I know this isn't the best method. I should be allowed to have things I enjoy for lunch without things getting out of control. But right now, I just have to accept that that's not where I am. At least not yet.

But there's one more thing. My chest is aching. I don't know if it's something going on emotionally. Or because I haven't been taking my night meds and thus haven't been sleeping well at night. Or maybe...homesickness? It happened once last week (I think it was a Thursday morning) but it was very brief. Now it's this God awful feeling throughout my chest and upper back and it feels like it's burning hot to the touch. Maybe it's anxiety about how little money I'm making (I did just get my first check today -- although there had better been some sort of clerical error).

Anyway, the feeling reminds me of really bleak days, so I hope whatever it is goes away.

ugh.

Today hasn't been the best day.

After a few morning errands this morning, I had an appointment with the new therapist who shall henceforth be known as the old therapist because she's transferring me to someone else. And I think -- just maybe, that had a lasting effect on the rest of my day. Like for some reason -- she doesn't want to work with me and while I know it's much more complicated than this -- it still hurts. I really miss Dixie.

I felt extremely fatigued and felt as if I could not keep my eyes open long enough to drive the 20 miles to work. Nevertheless, I arrived unharmed and proceeded to "work." But it was to no use -- I simply could not concentrate because I was so tired. So I left early and went straight to bed and didn't wake until almost 6 pm. Clearly, I was tired!

Oh but wait! I forgot to mention, before arriving at work I stopped at the market and picked up binge food and I think honestly and truly that's what also contributed to my short day at work. My mind wanted to things: food and sleep. So I came home and binged and then took a six hour nap. Then I woke up and proceeded binging.

I'm really trying my hardest not to go into that bathroom to purge. It's not worth it. I won't lose any weight. It doesn't help me. It makes me gain weight. These are all the things I'm saying to myself and yet -- this morning I couldn't fit a pair of pants that used to be quite baggy.

Do you know how much that hurts?

And there's a SCALE in the bathroom. I have yet to throw it out. I've just been torturing myself with it, in hopes that the more I see the number, the more I'll stay away from food.

I guess I didn't leave my eating disorder in North Carolina after all.

The First Seven Days

This has been one whirlwind of a week. But things are actually fairing better than I had expected. My work at the community center is a little bit frustrating and very much different than anything I've ever done. I've been given a lot of freedom to create a program for high schoolers in the county -- one that will eventually be sustainable and self supporting. It's kind of complicated in the sense that the organization I volunteer for has differing views on what constitutes a program. Hopefully, it will all work out and our ideas will mesh well together to create something that looks a little like what everyone wants.

The apartment hasn't exactly gotten any better but I'm generally only here (and awake) for just a couple of hours during the week. This weekend has been a little difficult just because the weather isn't enjoyable for me (less than 70 degrees) and I have no money to do anything. Still, I forced myself out of the house and took a walk for some ice cream. (Crazy, I know!) I need to definitely find something to do for a significant portion of the day so that I'm not just lying around watching movies online and eating. Because that's exactly what I did today.

Which leads me to food. Honestly. It's going a lot better. Being at work really forces me to have lunch. Most times it has been the first meal of my day, but there were a couple of days when I challenged myself to have a piece of fruit on the way to work. I suppose the good thing about this is that my metabolism starts to kick in after I eat lunch and sometimes I feel the urge to eat something when I return home from work. There's not enough data from one week that indicates that I will absolutely eat dinner if I've eaten lunch, but I'd say more often than not I think I did.

But I also ended up binging the one day I went to the grocery store. I think I started out in Maine similarly to how I was living while in law school. So for seven whole days there was not a single item of food in my apartment -- only a gallon of water. I did this to prevent myself from eating period -- not just binging. After seeing the little money I have saved up depleted, I decided to just go to the market. Well, that was pretty much disastrous. It really seems like I just don't know when to stop. It's like once I start, I keep going. Not a good feeling at all, to still be like this after almost two years in treatment.

I met with the new therapist. She's very different from Shish and Dixie and I'm not sure if I like her well enough to continue seeing her but we have scheduled an appointment for Tuesday morning. She also gave me a homework assignment: my goals for treatment. Silly, therapist. I still really really miss Dixie. It helps a little that I've talked to her twice during this first week but I'm only allowed to call her once this upcoming week -- and after a month, I'm not supposed to call at all.

I miss Jay so much that I honestly force myself not to think about it. I didn't get to talk to him this weekend because he spent the night at a friend's house. Just typing that sentence, I experienced a great deal of tightness in my chest and tears came to my eyes. I really miss my boy so much. I hope he knows that I carry him in my heart.

And finally, I've made a friend. YES! One of my co-workers (the guy who supervises the kids at the community center) has the most delightful wife. Yes, I know. I just used the word delightful. That's exactly what she is though. She's a tad bit older than me and has three little kiddos with another one on the way. YIKES! They are so precious though! And really bright, too! We went walking around the downtown area where I live on Friday night after going to the local high school football game. This is seriously funny because outside of my one year in my high school's marching band, I had never ever been to a football game. In fact, I went four years in college without ever going to a single game. And I've gone down for homecoming three years without having ever stepped foot inside the stadium. Clearly, I'm a tailgater at heart. But the game was as interesting as high school football can be. I guess.

We were actually supposed to all go to some fair today but I had already obligated myself to volunteer. This whole volunteering thing on weekend mornings is going to get really old, really fast.

And my mood -- okay. There have been some days that I've forgotten to take my meds -- and other times I've purposefully not taken them because I'm running low and I haven't received my insurance card in the mail. BUT my mother phoned this afternoon to say that it's in the mail so I can be diligent in my efforts to be as mentally and physically healthy as possible. It gets very lonesome. I miss Chewy SOOO much. I miss my other nephew. I even miss my mother and sister. Ha! I miss the feeling of home. But I'm not depressed -- and while there was a little anxiety about the depression sinking in because there was one day that I woke up and just felt like I could NOT get out of bed and that there was something crushing my chest down and I could feel the blood in my body running cold -- it didn't stick around. (I also made SURE to take my meds that morning!) And that also could just be attributed to the fact that I had skipped a few days. That's just what I'm telling myself.

I'm having some body image issues -- surprise, surprise. It's not easy getting dressed in the morning but it hasn't brought me to tears, yet either. Lots of things aren't fitting and I'm avoiding the shower as much as I can so that I'm not faced with seeing exactly how my body looks. But I kind of feel like it would be good for me tonight to take care of myself in this way. I was just reminding myself earlier this afternoon to stop focusing on the negative, but to look at the entire picture so that I could see more good than bad (assuming that's the case!)

I think I thought of this because a friend from my IP sent me the most beautiful blanket that she started crocheting while we were there together. Four months later and she completed it! It's so beautiful, but I could hear her voice pointing out all the flaws in the blanket, when I couldn't even see them at all. I was so, I still am, so happy, and it's so beautiful, and she made it, so all of this means that I just absolutely love it. Now granted, after being pointed out the flaws, I couldn't help but to see them, but it never stood out to me before. And they still don't stand out to me now as flaws, but just something that's apart of my beautiful blanket.

Here's to an even better week number 2.

And I'd like to thank the Universe for a good new start in Maine. I really appreciate it.